Saturday 29 June 2013

Prozac with a sprinkling of tequila

Maybe I need someone's foot in my ass. Or somebody to shake the shit out of me. Obviously there's potential rumbling around inside me creating thunderstorms but so far I just haven't been able to convert it. I'm acutely aware that it's down to me now. I get that in a philosophical way. But in a practical sense I have no real idea what I want to do. Where do I take myself and all my potential?  Apparently sitting around waiting for something perfect to come up and slap me in the face is a long odds game.
I'm a week away from what we hope will be my last ever appointment at a mental health clinic. A big part of me is going to miss it because over the weeks as comfort has built up I found myself more and more able to say what I really want to. I could keep going there forever and shooting the breeze but as I said, It's up to me now. The sole protector of my own destiny and happiness.
Helps to have someone to tell you your shit stinks without them having any preconceived ideas of who you are and what you're supposed to act like. She can tell me to stop putting some people up on a pedestal because I think they're so much better than I am. She tells me that I'm really quite a normal person but that I let a small part of my personality, i.e. depression, become the dominant factor in my whole movie show. That I give no credit to anything that I've ever been able to do is pretty obvious so when I'm forced to slightly change my perspective it I can sort of see that I'm not completely useless. J told me one thing on friday that I already knew. When I allow myself to drink like I always have done and find myself staring at a pavement wanting to crash into it from height, I have to stop taking the easy option to feel sorry for myself by blaming it all on the depression. In those worst cases there is only one thing to blame. Alcohol makes me want to die sometimes.
So why do I still do it? I drink for fun, amongst other things. So, although I am trying to reduce my alcohol intake, I have been crying out for some fun. So last week I went on a two day binge drinking bender with absolute conviction that I was going to have fun. After all I had managed a month since my last episode.
Three prozac, cocktails, beer and shots shouldn't sound like a good mix for any normal person.  Especially to a man trying to stop his propensity for depression being submerged by a tide of tequila. But it does sound like a good mix to me and last weekend it certainly certainly was. Four lads, away from home, off the leash and all on tip-top form is a michelin star recipe for a cracking weekend. And it was. Whether it was taking over the stage playing wonderwall with a random older woman from Derby. Falling in love with a nurse, whose name it transpired later, you didn't even know. Trying to learn a mixture of Spanish and Italian from the babe in the smoking room. Going home with a girl to a house in the middle of Belfast and wanting to cry because you left the ten pack of condoms in the car. Dolling that 40 year old woman just because you can. Or, in my case, almost being eaten by her mate kissing me like a pterodactyl. Being cockblocked by the campest of camp hotel receptionists. Chatting to a lovely looking maths teacher and deciding that the best course of action was to tell her that you too were a maths teacher. Primary five maths co-ordinator in fact. Deciding you didn't want to text a girl amymore because she spelt the word nothing wrong. Threatening to call the police on the hotel receptionist because you think he is holding your bags hostage.
Funny thing is, that's not even half of it. Just imagine the bits we can't remember...
I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you to the alcohol. Just this once, mind you. But you definitely had a big part in making a good weekend happen. Do me one last favour? Lets all have a big performance in Edinburgh next weekend so I can come home with some stories for on here.
Back to the original point though, because it's so easy to overlook how things could have gone the other way. The path where I find myself staring into the Lagan, weighing up my options again. Because that's just it. Things can so easily flip for me that I need to be really careful. I need to be properly looking after myself from now on. It's no good falling back on the old excuses anymore. If I want to put an end to the real sucidal danger, then at some point I am going to have to accept that I will have to drop the alcohol levels much closer to zero. Shame though, because I know I'm not nearly ready yet. I think that's why I might need that foot in my ass.
I've never dedicated anything to anyone before but it seems like a good place to start. My sister is going through a really hard time. I wish I could take it all on me, but I can't. That's probably one of the few admirable qualities of my depression, that I want to take everyone elses pain onto me. I hope things get better for you soon kid. I'm sorry I'm not as much help as I should be but I am here. This one, whatever it is, is for you princess.

Monday 24 June 2013

Change a habit

Disregard the soliloquy in the paragragh below. I think it is mainly for myself.
 What are you waiting for? Real change isn't going to come along and shake you from the outside while you've been making no effort to do it for yourself. I hope you're not sitting back with your arms folded, content to see it through to your own version of the afterlife without giving it your best shot. If you are, stop and think for a minute. Please. Really there isn't any evidence that there is any eternal existence. It is okay to go with the facts and use logic to your advantage. This is it. This is your five minutes. You're taking to the stage on Broadway for one night only so give it everything you've got to make it worthwhile.
People think I'm comparatively intelligent but I'm convinced that we are all quite similarly gifted it's just that we all have different interests and are engaged in habits we don't even realize are controlling us.. I've read some of the classics. Books on history and every possible area of self-help too. Taught myself some instruments and at least tried to learn a few languages. Minor achievements I must concede but the point is that anyone can do these things and more if they could just allow themselves to believe they can. I'm not saying that everybody can do anything and everything. Clearly that is not true. In my minds eye I want to complete the Tour de France one day when I can't even convince myself to do a 10km cycle because it is too cold. So I wouldn't say anything is possible. But I know that absolutely anyone can excel. Anyone can focus on some things they really want to do, believe they can do it and convert that belief into hard work. It's all you. Just you.
 For the most part I think it is habit that holds most people back. We program our brains to do the same thing day in day out and it takes a significant effort to make changes but it can be done. For myself, my biggest habit is depression. All it takes is a few small cues to set me off and I lay down and let it wash over me. And that is what I need to work on. Understanding what those cues are and changing my reactions to them and I hope to eventually form new habits, positive ones. For instance, a cue for me might be someone walking within five meters of me. Presently my habit is probably to go into a bit of a shell, close my body off and avoid eye contact. My little self-improvement project for this week is to recognize the cues and use them to start making eye contact and convert that into a habit.
If I'm hearing myself right I'm attempting to inspire everyone to grasp the things that are likely to make them happy now, instead of waiting for them to hit you. It's so clear in my mind right now that we are all capable of doing so many things but not that many of us really believe we can. So try and change one habit this week if you think it's resulting in a negative behavior or try to do something you've always wanted but where too afraid to try. Change is only good. Oh yeah and if anyone is judging you for doing what you need to do just remember that you aren't even remotely doing it for them. Your happiness has to be internal. I write that without having read any books on Eastern Philosophy recently. Just got drunk and had fun. I'm aware this blog was begun by me stating my desire to change my habit of quitting alcohol but I don't quite believe in that one just yet.
 If it's going to make you happy, DO IT. And do it with conviction.

Monday 17 June 2013

I'm just fucking waffling now

Twenty-five. The number of days since I last allowed myself to have a drink. Jesus, I make myself sound like a park bench alcoholic on the run from years of special brew and cheap cider. I'm not by the way but I'm nowhere near ready to finish just yet.

I hate to admit it, but it is fair to say that those days added together see me in a better place than I was before. Not that they were twenty-five consecutive steps to where I am either. I've been riding on a high frequency sine wave of moods in that time and it only feels as if it's starting to flatline now.

There are definitely some serious benefits to this not drinking carry-on. I suppose most people would assume the obvious benefit would be improved physical fitness. Especially for a pints drinker. But for me up to this been point I haven't noticed significant gains. Then again I have been smoking quit a lot recently as a part of a coping mechanism but that's just a passing phase for me. Anyway the cigarettes are primarily used as an accessory for my leather jacket.

Been reading more in the last month. I love to read when I can so it's been a real positive to get back into it. It might be a little hard to see a correlation between drinking and not reading but with me a hangover means not being able to read for a week or more. Even if it's just a newspaper article, not that I read those at all anymore. If you get a chance read some of Richard Dawkins' books. I've just read The Selfish Gene and The God Delusion. Both excellent.
I would never have been the most faithful believer but the argument against a God and religion in The God Delusion is too compelling to ignore. Makes me angry some of the disgusting things done under the banner of religion. It is difficult for me to understand how humanity is so blinded by it all.

Whoa! I'm really leading myself off on a tangent there. It's like the group conversations I have with the boys. Somebody begins telling a story but half an hour later we've gone off in so many directions that we never got anywhere near the end of the original story.

Oh Yeah, so i have not touched a drop of the good stuff in twenty-five days. Now comes the revelation. I'm making a comeback this Friday. In Belfast. Returning to the scene of the crime so to speak. And it cannot come quick enough. I'm going to enjoy this one...


Wednesday 12 June 2013

Say it. Whatever it is

Today I've been reading a book entitled fuck it: the ultimate spiritual way. It speaks to me right now as the kind of attitude I would like to embrace. The fuck it in the title isn't fuck it I've had enough I want out or fuck it things aren't working for me why should I bother trying anymore. It is the kind of fuck it that says I'm going to start looking after me. The kind where you can see what really matters and just as important seeing the things that really don't matter at all.

You know what? It's time to be selfish. Time to begin doing things for my own reasons and not just to placate others. Time to just not give a fuck what the rest think because in the end you've just got to be yourself or you'll never be happy. Time to just say what I feel because that's the way I feel.

People are not going to hate me for it. Even if they do it would be well worth it if I could stop hating myself. If you've ever once left a situation seething because you decided against saying what you really needed to say, then you have to understand that speaking your mind in the long run has to have a positive effect on overall self-esteem. And maybe that is it. Self-Esteem. If your not going to love yourself then how can you ever really be happy to be alive. Furthermore, how can you ever expect someone to really love you when you're not showing them who you truly are.

People like me, we get caught up in this thing pick-up artists call one-itis. Basically one-itis means we can't see past this one girl. Everything about the target at this point seems perfect. Really, no other woman will do. I am a sucker for it. I'm a sucker. I used to think that it was the PUA's who were missing the point when they would say things like forget about her, look around, there are literally millions of women out there for you. Now I see how right they are. When I think about it now I wonder how I could ever have tied all my emotions up in one person who probably won't give a shit about me anyway. There are always better looking girls out there, funnier ones too. More interesting girls and looser girls too. What did you say? None of them are her? Good, that's just what I'm looking for. Fuck it, I'm getting mine now.

Why is it that we all seem to worry so much about what other people think of us? Sure, we don't want our friends to think we're murder's or Jimmy Saville. Or worst of all, boring. But realistically most of us really are not that bad. In fact I would say most of us are damn good people. Think of the worst thing you have ever done and I'm guessing it wasn't really all that bad. Anyway, what I'm trying to get at via that serpentine introduction, is that we have to stop giving a fuck about what other people think about what we say or do. Look at yourself and be who you are, not just getting as close to that person as you think people are willing to accept. Saying what you want is the most liberating thing you'll ever do. I started doing it recently and it felt great. It doesn't mean that everything you say is going to be joyfully accepted by everyone but I guarentee you will feel alot better for doing it. Listen to John C. Parkin

"So I said fuck it to trying to be anything other than I am. In this moment I stopped judging myself. And shit, what a relief that was. What a relief that is"

And while we are trying to stop judging ourselves why don't we give evryone else a break and stop judging them. I think from now on the only people I want to pass judgement on are those who just love to judge others. I absolutely fucking hate narrow-mindedness. I mean really we have no reason to be bothered by what other people are doing if we can just be happy in what we are doing ourselves. What's wrong with live and let live. It doesn't mean I have to like everything on earth but it does mean accepting that someone else might enjoy something I don't and letting them have at it.

So go for it this week. If you fancy someone, let them know.( by the way girls this includes you. What guy doesn't want to hear that). If you want a tattoo or a piercing, now is the time. Take a sick day without remorse. Say no to someone. Finish work friday night and take a flight to Amsterdam for the weekend. Who's stopping you. Get a fake tan. Eat an entire packet of biscuits with one cup of tea and say fuck it to everyone's diet talk and bootcamps. Smoke without feeling guilty. Admit that you really don't care about any religion. Have some impure thoughts.

Do what you want...

Sunday 9 June 2013

Today I've got sun

There are always good things in your life. Sometimes it is harder to see them and sometimes you just can't see them at all. But they are always there. Things worth being alive for. Amazing things, fucking class things!!!

I'm quite smart. I'm not ugly. Yeah I wish I was a ten but most of the time I think I can make do with what I got. Mad hair but great hair. I've got money, a nice place to live and a job that isn't killing me. Finally completed a year at college. Two nephews and a niece that I love to bits even if they do my head in most of the time. Some good memories.

Couple of good things coming up too. A mates wedding in Rome. Can't wait. Stag in Edinburgh in four weeks. really can't wait. I have abilities. I am capable of doing so much if I give myself the chance. Can't sing though. That really bothers me!

What is the best thing? Friends...

 I've got this one friend who is always up for the rip and ready for the banter. I love it because sometimes I need to be dragged.

There's another who is the biggest babe I know. definitely my go to girl for fashion advice. Also for pics of random facial expressions

The there is the one I used to live with. Miss those days. He  might be on the edge of crazy sometimes but it always stays on the fun side. Keeps things interesting.

I've one who is the most caring person in the world but wouldn't want everyone to know that. You're all front kid. Maybe one of the funniest people I know too.

Then there's the pure clumsy flirt. Clumsy because I've never known anyone to walk into things or just fall as often as she does. Flirt only because she can't help it. And why should she?

I've a friend who acts as my events planner and diary keeper. There is something I really need. It's so important to have good things to look forward to. Always up for the rip too. Going to be some good times coming up.

One of my friends is kind of a Mr Sensible if you didn't know him that well. I do. There is plenty of madness in there you just keep it better hidden than the rest. Poland drinking champion. Soon to be destroyed in Edinburgh.

Another friend is maybe one of the happiest people I have ever met in my life. I mean the kind of happy that is so infectious it makes everyone else happy too. Sometimes she might have her work cut out with me.

Another friend I have is my intellectual sounding board. Someone I can actually talk to about books I've read. That's just one thing. This guy fits in everywhere for me. Holidays, pints, ladies and the craic.

There is a friend I have who I almost feel the need to be like an older brother to. He's much more successful than me in most things but there is still something there that needs protecting.

A friend who is a milf. Shame is I just wish I was able to help her as much as she has helped me but I can't. Probably saved my life once and doesn't even know. Some people you like before you even know them. It was like that for me with you.

One of my friends is almost like my little baby sister. I'll look out for her and she looks out for me. This is the friend that know the things about me that nobody else in the world does. It is special having someone like that. She is making me want to find my best. x

Should mention my lost best friend. Lost to a relationship and swallowed by the big city. No bad thing. I'm happy to be honest. Just missing the old craic sometimes.

I have this one friend in work who can make me smile even on the worst days. Most genuinely lovely person I know. It's good too because we can have some laughs exchanging all the gossip we shouldn't even know.

It's all these people that see all the good in me. It's for them that feel gutted when I'm not myself. when I'm being a dickhead.

Oh and I've got sunglasses and today I've got sun.

Friday 7 June 2013

a glimpse from 7th June 2013

I've never thought about killing myself the way I have this year. Never visualised it like this before. What it would really mean or how it would affect other people. Sometimes, like today, it becomes so real it scares me. The kind of scared that leaves a sick feeling in your stomach.

At times today the thoughts were more violent than I could ever say. Waterfalls of blood. Horror movie stuff. Then you move on to the more conventional bottle of vodka and 10 ambien. It must be frustrating to watch me when I am thinking like this. People can see me struggling with it but there is nothing they can do. I guess that is another reason to be thinking like this.

On the way home from work today I decided to take an old country road. I wanted to scare myself. Hurtling at 60mph down a narrow bumpy road in a car that could barely handle that speed on a motorway. Maybe kind of hoping that bad brakes and a lamp post might get the job done for me.

Some people believe it is the ultimate act of selfishness. I disagree. Yes there can be certain aspects of suicide that could be judged selfish. I mean things like doing it on christmas day when you have a young family, ruining christmas forever. But the act itself? No. It's my life. I'm the one who has to live with it and maybe I can't do it anymore. It's too hard for me. Be happy for me if I ever do it, it might be the one truely selfish thing you'll ever see me do.

I love my friends. Probably even more than my family(hurts to admit this). Especially the girls. I've always had a soft spot there. I think I'd spend all my time with the girls if I could. All my little princesses and I would do anything for them. They have no idea the lengths I would go to for them. For my two sisters and all the girls I call friends I think I could live like this forever if I thought it would really help you.

Don't worry lads I feel the same way about you lot too. It's just a different kind of love. Wouldn't swap any one of my mates. I would like to see more of them sometimes though.

This thing with me, it makes me a bad friend. Today, I can't even look at people I love. Can't open my mouth to say a few words. When friends can't even talk to you because they don't know what to say or because it's all been said a million times, the pain is tremendous. But that is all on me. I create the scene by being so sad. I'm not good for people. Not good with people. Lately I've been considering pulling away from my friends. It can't be good for them to have this in their lives.

I'm tired of writing this shit down by now. There's a million other things going round my head but I don't want to give them anymore oxygen today.

I have imagined my own funeral. Seeing who is there and what's being said. It's fucked up.

Tuesday 4 June 2013

Liquid confidence



Look at me there. Having fun being drunk. Making cocktails and breaking hearts. Damn I wish I could have that three drinks buzz all day every day. Then I'd be having fun all the time. Then I'd be a witty bastard. Then I'd be confident.

I'm leading with a little bit of a lie to be honest. It isn't all the drink that can make me feel that way. I have days were I can do it all on my own. I can reach the dizzy heights of extreme confidence just from realising how good it is to be alive. And it is good to be alive. I should be the happiest person in the world. It is so good to be alive and I feel like I can do anything.

Predictably though, that feeling just doesn't last very long. Hours if I'm lucky. I think that is why I drink the way i do. To make myself believe I can do anything. The trouble, of course, with doing things for the wrong reasons is that you can wind up being bitten by the undesired consequences. The dreaded downer.

I don't know whether or not my downers are that much worse than others' are. What I do know is that my very worst downers don't last for hours or days. They last for months. Months and months. At their peak I really don't see any reason why I would ever want to be alive. I guess that is difficult to understand. I still have good things in my life it's just that they're not worth living for at that moment because they mean nothing to me.

I mentioned in a previous post a story I had been telling friends about contemplating suicide that made them laugh hysterically. I'll try and give a brief idea of what that story was about. So here goes. It's my mates birthday and we are all in carlingford drinking to celebrate. Somewhere along the line the drinking hits me in the wrong way and I'm now in a sorry state. Really bad. How can I feel like this? How can I keep going?

Now it is 3am and I am sitting on a wall while I stare out into the sea. I consider what it would be to throw myself in. Might be easier in the long run. Anyway the funny part of the story was that as I sat on the wall considering what to do I decided against it. You see the tide was out. It would have been a half mile walk before i would hit the water. Who needs that? Not only that but it was wet sand and I didn't think it was proper etiquette to leave footprints in the sand. Maybe it's just the way I tell it but that one's got alot of laughs.

It's been some day in Ireland today. If it were like this everyday maybe the problems I see wouldn't seem half as big.........

Sunday 2 June 2013

Just the weekend

I've got nothing. Seriously cannot think of one interesting thing to write about from my weekend. Maybe that is just because I didn't drink. More likely not. Sitting in front of a computer screen with still fingers when all I have to do is stick down a few events and lessons learned. It's daft, but right now my memory doesn't appear to be working correctly. My brain is fried. Tonight is a night for tv and nothing else. I'm not fit to read never mind write.

Fuck it. Three things from the weekend to talk about. anything. Yeah I got it. Pick three things, say something about each, make it seem emotional and interesteing. Tidy it up, check the spelling(apparently i'm good at that), hit post and there you have a blog that looks like at least some substantial effort was put in. But remember Cooncash, don't let anyone know how lazy you've been this time

Friday
Appointment with my therapist or whatever it is they're called. I honestly don't know. This wasn't fun. Being told that if I continue to live as I have up until this point that theres the very real possibility that I may cross the line you can't come back from. I wasn't loling this time. The thing is, it seems the booze is putting me in a position of danger where I may not be able to control myself. Don't I sound edgy and dark. Moviestar cool.

Saturday
Worked. Went for coffee with two mates this evening. Saturday nights ain't what the used to be. Of the two lads one I'm always happy to see, the other I could probably have avoided for another month. Sad to say, but true. Some babes in grounded tonight too. I wondered could I pull in a coffeeshop and thought probably not in Newry. When I relayed this to someone else they told me they couldn't even walk up to a girl without being drunk. Sounds good to me.

Sunday
Worked. So blame work for this shitty post. You know what? blame work for everything. I was born to be an hereditory playboy but never recieved my yacht. Oh well, back to work. Laughing today at how I am the most unscroupulous gossip in history. I can't hold my piss. It's hilarious though because I keep getting told all the dirty little secrets. Even more amusing when I tell everyone else what I know. Yes I am a gossip whore. Could have been the Max Clifford of that place. Now I'm just a 3am girl.


No drink. Whoop. But really not that bad a weekend overall to be honest. Strenghtened some friendships. That'll keep me happy. A comment wouldn't be missed either but I know how hard it is thinking of something to write