Look at me there. Having fun being drunk. Making cocktails and breaking hearts. Damn I wish I could have that three drinks buzz all day every day. Then I'd be having fun all the time. Then I'd be a witty bastard. Then I'd be confident.
I'm leading with a little bit of a lie to be honest. It isn't all the drink that can make me feel that way. I have days were I can do it all on my own. I can reach the dizzy heights of extreme confidence just from realising how good it is to be alive. And it is good to be alive. I should be the happiest person in the world. It is so good to be alive and I feel like I can do anything.
Predictably though, that feeling just doesn't last very long. Hours if I'm lucky. I think that is why I drink the way i do. To make myself believe I can do anything. The trouble, of course, with doing things for the wrong reasons is that you can wind up being bitten by the undesired consequences. The dreaded downer.
I don't know whether or not my downers are that much worse than others' are. What I do know is that my very worst downers don't last for hours or days. They last for months. Months and months. At their peak I really don't see any reason why I would ever want to be alive. I guess that is difficult to understand. I still have good things in my life it's just that they're not worth living for at that moment because they mean nothing to me.
I mentioned in a previous post a story I had been telling friends about contemplating suicide that made them laugh hysterically. I'll try and give a brief idea of what that story was about. So here goes. It's my mates birthday and we are all in carlingford drinking to celebrate. Somewhere along the line the drinking hits me in the wrong way and I'm now in a sorry state. Really bad. How can I feel like this? How can I keep going?
Now it is 3am and I am sitting on a wall while I stare out into the sea. I consider what it would be to throw myself in. Might be easier in the long run. Anyway the funny part of the story was that as I sat on the wall considering what to do I decided against it. You see the tide was out. It would have been a half mile walk before i would hit the water. Who needs that? Not only that but it was wet sand and I didn't think it was proper etiquette to leave footprints in the sand. Maybe it's just the way I tell it but that one's got alot of laughs.
It's been some day in Ireland today. If it were like this everyday maybe the problems I see wouldn't seem half as big.........