2013

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. I have to thank Mr Charles Dickens for the succinct clarity of the opening sentence because it sums up 2013 in the life of Ciaran Cooney better than I ever could. However, allow me to elucidate this often strange and often sad epoch of mine in some of my own words even if they fall short of said master of language above.

I began writing my thoughts down on here in late spring as a reaction to finding it an excruciating torment to say any of those things aloud. At that point I had back-slid so far into my depression that I'd had to step up my medication to it's maximum and go to a weekly therapy session. I could barely speak to my friends any more, was convinced I would never  be able to look at another woman again let alone talk to one and figured the odds of making it to twenty-seven were reducing exponentially on me. You can probably guess that this was during the worst of times.

The year had started relatively well too. Apart from the traditional post-Christmas blues I was thriving on the sense of a new start that January brings. I was motivated in a way I have almost never been before. I had my first semester exams and I studied hard for those. Meanwhile, I breezed though seven books in the time I wasn't studying. For a month I was probably more dedicated to exercise than I had ever been and by the time of my decline I was as fit as I had been in years. I was socialising without drinking. I was enjoying my life. Maybe that is part of the reason that the fall that was to follow felt particularly hard this time. Or maybe it is just that I've grown exhausted of trying to dig myself out of that hole.

Oddly enough I can pinpoint exactly where I was when this malignant hopelessness began to settle in. I was in a Chinese restaurant on a Saturday night in February. The 9th of February to be more precise. Enjoying a meal and a drink with colleagues and friends it suddenly struck me that I wasn't like anyone else there. I felt an obscure distance from the rest and my mind fell vacant so that I was almost unable to speak. I knew what was coming. The following day the pain in my body was such that I wanted to die. I would have died, if I had dared to.

A few days later I fell victim to a flu virus that was doing the rounds and together this and the depression sewed the seeds for seemingly terminal pain. The first two weeks of being sick where, to the best of my memory, the worst I have ever experienced. The physical torture combined with the mental decline at that moment was something I could scarcely survive twice.

It went on like this for a few months. Finally I was convinced to get help. This would mean more pills and a first crack at therapy. Sitting in the waiting room of a mental health clinic for the first appointment had, in my case at least, the pleasant effect of making me feel comparatively okay. I was sure I didn't need this the way the people beside me did. Looking back now though, I know I needed it. I needed to stop myself getting lost.

Strange as it may sound, I consider this submission to another for my mental well-being as a minor victory. It was something I had always laughed off before but in 2013 I finally did it because I had to. It was good for me. I needed to hear from someone with a clue that if I kept on the same track that the probability of suicide attempts was constantly increasing and that the day was getting quite close.

Scratching my way through to passing my first full year of college was a big win, even if I hated virtually every moment of that second semester. By rights I probably should have failed. I felt myself pitching and rolling and maybe on the verge of capsizing. This mature student thing wasn't nearly as much fun as I thought it was going to be. It appears fairly obvious to me now that I made a mistake when I decided on electronic engineering as the vehicle for my return to formal education. But I'm here now so I best just get on with it and keep those credits ticking over. Anyway, deciding on the wrong thing is often better than not deciding at all.

Summer, summer, summer-time! Last day in a mental health clinic (with a little luck, ever) coincided, somewhat serendipitously, with an afternoon flight to Edinburgh for my mates stag. Not going to romanticise it as  turning point but it was a kind of happy release because now I was free to enjoy myself for a few months and for the most part that is just what I did. I guess there is no point in boring anyone with the details, especially as I've already written most of the stupid shit I got up to. From getting twerked in Rome (perhaps due to me wearing suit and sunglasses at night) to trying to leverage £80 from a mate so I could shag a stripper it was mainly just good craic. The year most definitely peaked in Rome. The wedding of my two friends was perfect. The weather was perfect. The food occasionally a little disappointing but the craic ninety-one. The hangover was interminable.

I've had to settle back down to reality the last couple of months. I am finding myself reasonably dedicated to the course I'm doing even if I lack any aptitude for engineering at all. There is nowhere I have ever felt more stupid than in those classrooms. I will take some comfort knowing that Aristotle thought knowing ones own ignorance was a sign of intelligence. Feeling exhausted seems to be my default state at the moment. I find myself doing more hours at work than I did last year. It's all good though. I don't like being a poor student and there are so many things I like to spend money on. A return to Amsterdam is top of that list. Maybe January 2013.

Apparently it seems I am living the life I missed out on when I was 18 or 19. I've been told by different people recently that I am a sleazy, cheesy, flirt. A metro-sexual (fair enough), bisexual (I'm not), macklemore look-alike. I can see where most of that comes from. I was super-depressed when I was younger. I could hardly talk to anyone, definitely not the girls I fancied back then, so don't blame me for trying to have the fun I missed out on now. So what if I want to be a bit of a slut now, that doesn't make me bad. And anyway I'm nowhere near as big a slut as I'd like to be. Still, it's all just a bit of banter at the minute.

It's not that I'm cured. I still have the days when I can't talk, can't do anything. Days when I remember what it was like to want to die. I mean even today I'm here lying in bed because I really don't want to go out, although I might make another excuse. I went seven days without taking any fluoxetine, when I should be taking three a day. Proof if needed that self-destructive behaviour still lingers ominously. It just that now I know for certain that I'm not nearly done with life. There is too much to be had to stay in bed, like I have done for years and am doing today. So, I won't be doing it tomorrow or again any time soon.

I know some people who's version of life scares the shit out of me. It's not that there unhappy. More that they don't seem to care about anything that are the really good experiences. They seem satisfied to work, eat, sleep, stay in the same town forever and never see the world. Not interested in sex and never going to have children. In some way scared to live. That is my biggest nightmare. I'd rather die than grow older and old like that. It's not even the action that is important but the attitude, I need to know that there might be something more exciting out there for me.

With all that in mind I am actually looking forward to next year for the first time in my life. I used to look at it as the depressing passing of time that is impossible to hold back. Almost like, ' we're ll going to die anyway, why bother?' But now I think I can see that the real pleasure in starting a new year is all the possibility for improvement and hopefully some fucking excellent moments. Everyone should see it that way. If I can bounce, anyone can.

I suppose the moral of the 2013 story is that I'm not finished with life yet even when I know some days I hate it. Nobody should be. It's all out there waiting for you. You just need to decide what you want and then go get it. It is hard but it can be fun too.

2014...GO!!!

Imagine my face in the first 5 seconds of a bungee jump

I want to do things. Somethings and nothings. Good things and bad things. Important things and damn stupid things. Everything really. So why is that I'm sitting here feeling like I've done absolutely nothing at all. Procrastination has become a lifetime habit I'm going to attempt to assail.

Today I have that massively overused quote in my head. The one that says life is what happens when you're busy making plans. Actually, I think it's time somebody came up with a new quotation to get the point across. Anyway, it does sound a lot like the title of my autobiography. But then everybody does it. Nobody more than me. I love to dream. All the extraordinary things I am going to do when...

Allow me to wander through a small sample of the things I've always said I would like to do. Learn a second language. Alternately Spanish, Polish and Italian. Start a band. Visit every country in Europe. Travel the the rest of the world(except Australia). Become a genuine PUA. Reach my peak fitness. Start speaking my mind, regardless. Finish reading every single word on my bookshelf. Bungee jump or skydive. Start volunteering some place where I can at least try to help other people.

That last paragraph is less than a drop in the ocean. Sure I have made attempts to start some of the things I want to do. Have a few European countries ticked off and even began learning some languages. The problem is the amount of time I have spent trying to make these things happen is nothing in comparison to the time spent talking about it, thinking about it or imagining it. It's obvious that I spend too much time thinking and reflecting on things. That is a big part of it but not the whole story. It's the sheer lack of action that is really hurting. If you don't go for the things you want you just end up with what falls your way. So don't complain when it's not what you thought it might be.

Thinking about all the things holding me back I wonder if they're not all excuses. I feel like I have always struggled under the burden of being the youngest child. People who aren't the baby of the family won't get this. Carrying around this guilt that if I leave the house for good I would be signalling the beginning of the end for my parents. I left the house. I came back. I felt guilty for leading my own life. But really, was that not an excuse so I could slip back to my comfort zone with no pressure to do things for myself. It seems likely to me now.

Money or lack of it could be used as a reason not to have done some of the things I wanted to. Travelling costs money. Looking at that and being honest though, I would say I could easily find the money if I tried to save properly and stopped spending on random nonsense like a book on how to save that turned out to be another terrific waste of money. Another excuse.

I use my family, my depression, my romantic interests and fear of disapointment to retreat from endeavor. Why try anything when I have all these other things to deal with? Wouldn't it be better to wait until my life is absolutely perfect before I start shooting for the stars?

You may have guessed that the above was a rhetorical question. Or you may not. Anyway, it is pretty clear to me right now that waiting for the right time is absolutely the wrong thing to do. I need to go out and really struggle for the things I want. Otherwise I'm just wasting time and not really having fun wasting it. Sometimes I think about using depression as a catalyst. What I mean is I know I'm going to sink into a severe depression once more in the future. It's odds on. I'm looking at that and telling myself that it is all the more reason to do the things that I want to now, when I have the capability.

When it comes to those last few days when I can write the school report on this lifetime it  would be nice if I could say I at least tried to do all the things I wanted to. Regret the things you haven't done, not the the things you wish you hadn't. Up until now almost all my regrets are for the things I haven't done. Oh well, can't go back now but maybe I can start doing the things instead of just thinking about things.

Change a habit

Disregard the soliloquy in the paragragh below. I think it is mainly for myself.

 What are you waiting for? Real change isn't going to come along and shake you from the outside while you've been making no effort to do it for yourself. I hope you're not sitting back with your arms folded, content to see it through to your own version of the afterlife without giving it your best shot. If you are, stop and think for a minute. Please. Really there isn't any evidence that there is any eternal existence. It is okay to go with the facts and use logic to your advantage. This is it. This is your five minutes. You're taking to the stage on Broadway for one night only so give it everything you've got to make it worthwhile.

People think I'm comparatively intelligent but I'm convinced that we are all quite similarly gifted it's just that we all have different interests and are engaged in habits we don't even realize are controlling us.. I've read some of the classics. Books on history and every possible area of self-help too. Taught myself some instruments and at least tried to learn a few languages. Minor achievements I must concede but the point is that anyone can do these things and more if they could just allow themselves to believe they can. I'm not saying that everybody can do anything and everything. Clearly that is not true. In my minds eye I want to complete the Tour de France one day when I can't even convince myself to do a 10km cycle because it is too cold. So I wouldn't say anything is possible. But I know that absolutely anyone can excel. Anyone can focus on some things they really want to do, believe they can do it and convert that belief into hard work. It's all you. Just you.

 For the most part I think it is habit that holds most people back. We program our brains to do the same thing day in day out and it takes a significant effort to make changes but it can be done. For myself, my biggest habit is depression. All it takes is a few small cues to set me off and I lay down and let it wash over me. And that is what I need to work on. Understanding what those cues are and changing my reactions to them and I hope to eventually form new habits, positive ones. For instance, a cue for me might be someone walking within five meters of me. Presently my habit is probably to go into a bit of a shell, close my body off and avoid eye contact. My little self-improvement project for this week is to recognize the cues and use them to start making eye contact and convert that into a habit.

If I'm hearing myself right I'm attempting to inspire everyone to grasp the things that are likely to make them happy now, instead of waiting for them to hit you. It's so clear in my mind right now that we are all capable of doing so many things but not that many of us really believe we can. So try and change one habit this week if you think it's resulting in a negative behavior or try to do something you've always wanted but where too afraid to try. Change is only good. Oh yeah and if anyone is judging you for doing what you need to do just remember that you aren't even remotely doing it for them. Your happiness has to be internal. I write that without having read any books on Eastern Philosophy recently. Just got drunk and had fun. I'm aware this blog was begun by me stating my desire to change my habit of quitting alcohol but I don't quite believe in that one just yet.

 If it's going to make you happy, DO IT. And do it with conviction.

Say it. Whatever it is

Today I've been reading a book entitled fuck it: the ultimate spiritual way. It speaks to me right now as the kind of attitude I would like to embrace. The fuck it in the title isn't fuck it I've had enough I want out or fuck it things aren't working for me why should I bother trying anymore. It is the kind of fuck it that says I'm going to start looking after me. The kind where you can see what really matters and just as important seeing the things that really don't matter at all.

You know what? It's time to be selfish. Time to begin doing things for my own reasons and not just to placate others. Time to just not give a fuck what the rest think because in the end you've just got to be yourself or you'll never be happy. Time to just say what I feel because that's the way I feel.

People are not going to hate me for it. Even if they do it would be well worth it if I could stop hating myself. If you've ever once left a situation seething because you decided against saying what you really needed to say, then you have to understand that speaking your mind in the long run has to have a positive effect on overall self-esteem. And maybe that is it. Self-Esteem. If your not going to love yourself then how can you ever really be happy to be alive. Furthermore, how can you ever expect someone to really love you when you're not showing them who you truly are.

People like me, we get caught up in this thing pick-up artists call one-itis. Basically one-itis means we can't see past this one girl. Everything about the target at this point seems perfect. Really, no other woman will do. I am a sucker for it. I'm a sucker. I used to think that it was the PUA's who were missing the point when they would say things like forget about her, look around, there are literally millions of women out there for you. Now I see how right they are. When I think about it now I wonder how I could ever have tied all my emotions up in one person who probably won't give a shit about me anyway. There are always better looking girls out there, funnier ones too. More interesting girls and looser girls too. What did you say? None of them are her? Good, that's just what I'm looking for. Fuck it, I'm getting mine now.

Why is it that we all seem to worry so much about what other people think of us? Sure, we don't want our friends to think we're murder's or Jimmy Saville. Or worst of all, boring. But realistically most of us really are not that bad. In fact I would say most of us are damn good people. Think of the worst thing you have ever done and I'm guessing it wasn't really all that bad. Anyway, what I'm trying to get at via that serpentine introduction, is that we have to stop giving a fuck about what other people think about what we say or do. Look at yourself and be who you are, not just getting as close to that person as you think people are willing to accept. Saying what you want is the most liberating thing you'll ever do. I started doing it recently and it felt great. It doesn't mean that everything you say is going to be joyfully accepted by everyone but I guarentee you will feel alot better for doing it. Listen to John C. Parkin

"So I said fuck it to trying to be anything other than I am. In this moment I stopped judging myself. And shit, what a relief that was. What a relief that is"

And while we are trying to stop judging ourselves why don't we give evryone else a break and stop judging them. I think from now on the only people I want to pass judgement on are those who just love to judge others. I absolutely fucking hate narrow-mindedness. I mean really we have no reason to be bothered by what other people are doing if we can just be happy in what we are doing ourselves. What's wrong with live and let live. It doesn't mean I have to like everything on earth but it does mean accepting that someone else might enjoy something I don't and letting them have at it.

So go for it this week. If you fancy someone, let them know.( by the way girls this includes you. What guy doesn't want to hear that). If you want a tattoo or a piercing, now is the time. Take a sick day without remorse. Say no to someone. Finish work friday night and take a flight to Amsterdam for the weekend. Who's stopping you. Get a fake tan. Eat an entire packet of biscuits with one cup of tea and say fuck it to everyone's diet talk and bootcamps. Smoke without feeling guilty. Admit that you really don't care about any religion. Have some impure thoughts.

Do what you want...