I am definitely addicted to sadness in the way Gotye say in that song. Things have been going good for me the last few months by any measurement but how long can that ever last. There is no middle ground for me. It's euphoria or depression. Live or die. When you leave one of your best friends house, having not seen her for months, feeling like crying then you know it is going to be difficult not to slip. I had forgotten what it was like to really want to die. Today I'm starting to remember a little.
But like I say, I'm addicted to sadness. I go looking for things to make me feel that way. There is something in me that needs it constantly. If I'm not sad, I'm delusional. Which is better? Last night I went looking for it, knowing I would find it. Knowing that I wasn't likely to hear what i thought I wanted to hear. Should have left when things were going good. Shouldn't ever be allowed to use my phone after midnight.
It's not always that i want what i can't have. Sometimes it's simply that i cant have what i really really want.
And now it looks like I've got to do something I don't ever want to do because it seems like the only option. I'm unbelievably upset about it but I guess that is what i went looking for.
I have been waiting in the van my whole life. Procrastinating, formulating, dissecting and projecting my emotions onto others who don't need it. Oscillating, prozac taking, smile faking and hospital waiting rooms that only seem to help for a little while. Down one road or another it always leads back to my lonely room and feeling like i'm not ever happy because I don't want myself to be. I've put so much conscious effort into being happy that now I'm just exhausted and need to be myself for a while.
Here I am, back to being my own interlocutor in almost all of my conversations. Some people might thing I am quiet and I am. The thing is though, I think I'm talking more than anyone, it's just that I'm only talking to myself.
I bring about sadness in people around me. There is something in me that teases out the real heartaches in my friends lives. I don't know why but it feels like that stuff just orbits around me. The rest are having fun talking and laughing and having the craic but when it's me with someone I find a way of directing the traffic to the bad things that don't get talked about so often.
My name is Ciaran and I am an addict...
Showing posts with label honesty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label honesty. Show all posts
Monday, 9 September 2013
Wednesday, 3 July 2013
Todays been good
Dug out this old thing I wrote down a few months ago. I don't feel like this today at all, but It's important to remember where I've been so I can focus on not going back there.To be honest I'm having a good day. Cycled this morning, did some reading and worked on some other stuff I had to do. Actually started looking into some charities to volunteer for too because someones gone and put the idea into my head. I even had time to write a love song. Okay, that last one was obviously a big lie. Not that I haven't done that before.
Here it is. Probably with spelling mistakes and bad grammar. I don't care.
Do I have an affection for depression? I always looked on it as something edgy and cool. Marlon Brando behind a cigarette, like it was the depression that might get me the girls. Up until now I thought for the most part it was a chemical problem. But it's not. There are some deep rooted anxieties lying within me. I'm not living, I'm breathing. That is the difference.
I sympathize with some of the character traits of my depressed self. I take some morbid joy in the way it makes me feel about people. Usually love interests. I project myself as the dark hero in a story of unrequited love or passion. But it's not the way things are. That's a transcendental perception of my illness. It doesn't stem from a spiritual desire to monopolize pain to spare others. It's a fatalistic outlook. A way of viewing life as starving me of essential nourishment.
People say you control your own destiny but that is not entirely right. We are what we are when we're born, not a blank canvas to be painted in the fashion of our desires. We all have basic functional abilities that get developed unconciously through young life. So to say I can be whatever I want doesn't work for me. The best way I can attempt to emphasize the point is to say I can't be you, I can only be me.
Of course there are many threads interwoven together to make up the complete picture. I'd take up on such a thread as my childhood. We grow up reading about people reminiscing about happy childhood memories. Christmas, birthdays or summers. But for me I don't remember ever being a happy child. In fact, I don't have that many memories of my youth and any that I do, tend to have negative connotations. I have read that people with strong memories of their childhood tend to be those with positive and happy memories. For instance, I remember when I was around 10 years old that I cried because I didn't want to get older. Already frightened by the future without really understanding why.
Another factor in my story, although a few puberty affected years later, is my absolute certainty that I was clinically depressed by my mid teens. The first thing I did after school was to sleep for hours on end. I was always smart but really an underachiever. I got into mild trouble. Spending hours walking in biblical rainstorms was another favourite of mine. Never went to discos. Played golf with the men instead of the boys my own age. I look back on that time with a huge amount of regret that it wasn't detected then. How was I to know? I thought I was just of a sullen disposition. I needed help then but never recieved the succour I craved.
I shouldn't blame others for that though. I would have tried to hide it, I'm sure. But a large part of the pain is the time wasted between then and now. I really am no further on. It's said that the most long lasting and vivid memories elderly people hold onto are of the time of their late teens and early twenties. I'm not sure I have any that can withstand the passage of time. Would I have been happier if I had never been born? All I can say for sure is that I would have preferred to have never been born than to have to kill myself. But who's to say what that even means. I don't know what, if anything, lies beyond the borders of that first and last breath.
Here it is. Probably with spelling mistakes and bad grammar. I don't care.
Do I have an affection for depression? I always looked on it as something edgy and cool. Marlon Brando behind a cigarette, like it was the depression that might get me the girls. Up until now I thought for the most part it was a chemical problem. But it's not. There are some deep rooted anxieties lying within me. I'm not living, I'm breathing. That is the difference.
I sympathize with some of the character traits of my depressed self. I take some morbid joy in the way it makes me feel about people. Usually love interests. I project myself as the dark hero in a story of unrequited love or passion. But it's not the way things are. That's a transcendental perception of my illness. It doesn't stem from a spiritual desire to monopolize pain to spare others. It's a fatalistic outlook. A way of viewing life as starving me of essential nourishment.
People say you control your own destiny but that is not entirely right. We are what we are when we're born, not a blank canvas to be painted in the fashion of our desires. We all have basic functional abilities that get developed unconciously through young life. So to say I can be whatever I want doesn't work for me. The best way I can attempt to emphasize the point is to say I can't be you, I can only be me.
Of course there are many threads interwoven together to make up the complete picture. I'd take up on such a thread as my childhood. We grow up reading about people reminiscing about happy childhood memories. Christmas, birthdays or summers. But for me I don't remember ever being a happy child. In fact, I don't have that many memories of my youth and any that I do, tend to have negative connotations. I have read that people with strong memories of their childhood tend to be those with positive and happy memories. For instance, I remember when I was around 10 years old that I cried because I didn't want to get older. Already frightened by the future without really understanding why.
Another factor in my story, although a few puberty affected years later, is my absolute certainty that I was clinically depressed by my mid teens. The first thing I did after school was to sleep for hours on end. I was always smart but really an underachiever. I got into mild trouble. Spending hours walking in biblical rainstorms was another favourite of mine. Never went to discos. Played golf with the men instead of the boys my own age. I look back on that time with a huge amount of regret that it wasn't detected then. How was I to know? I thought I was just of a sullen disposition. I needed help then but never recieved the succour I craved.
I shouldn't blame others for that though. I would have tried to hide it, I'm sure. But a large part of the pain is the time wasted between then and now. I really am no further on. It's said that the most long lasting and vivid memories elderly people hold onto are of the time of their late teens and early twenties. I'm not sure I have any that can withstand the passage of time. Would I have been happier if I had never been born? All I can say for sure is that I would have preferred to have never been born than to have to kill myself. But who's to say what that even means. I don't know what, if anything, lies beyond the borders of that first and last breath.
Wednesday, 12 June 2013
Say it. Whatever it is
Today I've been reading a book entitled fuck it: the ultimate spiritual way. It speaks to me right now as the kind of attitude I would like to embrace. The fuck it in the title isn't fuck it I've had enough I want out or fuck it things aren't working for me why should I bother trying anymore. It is the kind of fuck it that says I'm going to start looking after me. The kind where you can see what really matters and just as important seeing the things that really don't matter at all.
You know what? It's time to be selfish. Time to begin doing things for my own reasons and not just to placate others. Time to just not give a fuck what the rest think because in the end you've just got to be yourself or you'll never be happy. Time to just say what I feel because that's the way I feel.
People are not going to hate me for it. Even if they do it would be well worth it if I could stop hating myself. If you've ever once left a situation seething because you decided against saying what you really needed to say, then you have to understand that speaking your mind in the long run has to have a positive effect on overall self-esteem. And maybe that is it. Self-Esteem. If your not going to love yourself then how can you ever really be happy to be alive. Furthermore, how can you ever expect someone to really love you when you're not showing them who you truly are.
People like me, we get caught up in this thing pick-up artists call one-itis. Basically one-itis means we can't see past this one girl. Everything about the target at this point seems perfect. Really, no other woman will do. I am a sucker for it. I'm a sucker. I used to think that it was the PUA's who were missing the point when they would say things like forget about her, look around, there are literally millions of women out there for you. Now I see how right they are. When I think about it now I wonder how I could ever have tied all my emotions up in one person who probably won't give a shit about me anyway. There are always better looking girls out there, funnier ones too. More interesting girls and looser girls too. What did you say? None of them are her? Good, that's just what I'm looking for. Fuck it, I'm getting mine now.
Why is it that we all seem to worry so much about what other people think of us? Sure, we don't want our friends to think we're murder's or Jimmy Saville. Or worst of all, boring. But realistically most of us really are not that bad. In fact I would say most of us are damn good people. Think of the worst thing you have ever done and I'm guessing it wasn't really all that bad. Anyway, what I'm trying to get at via that serpentine introduction, is that we have to stop giving a fuck about what other people think about what we say or do. Look at yourself and be who you are, not just getting as close to that person as you think people are willing to accept. Saying what you want is the most liberating thing you'll ever do. I started doing it recently and it felt great. It doesn't mean that everything you say is going to be joyfully accepted by everyone but I guarentee you will feel alot better for doing it. Listen to John C. Parkin
And while we are trying to stop judging ourselves why don't we give evryone else a break and stop judging them. I think from now on the only people I want to pass judgement on are those who just love to judge others. I absolutely fucking hate narrow-mindedness. I mean really we have no reason to be bothered by what other people are doing if we can just be happy in what we are doing ourselves. What's wrong with live and let live. It doesn't mean I have to like everything on earth but it does mean accepting that someone else might enjoy something I don't and letting them have at it.
So go for it this week. If you fancy someone, let them know.( by the way girls this includes you. What guy doesn't want to hear that). If you want a tattoo or a piercing, now is the time. Take a sick day without remorse. Say no to someone. Finish work friday night and take a flight to Amsterdam for the weekend. Who's stopping you. Get a fake tan. Eat an entire packet of biscuits with one cup of tea and say fuck it to everyone's diet talk and bootcamps. Smoke without feeling guilty. Admit that you really don't care about any religion. Have some impure thoughts.
Do what you want...
You know what? It's time to be selfish. Time to begin doing things for my own reasons and not just to placate others. Time to just not give a fuck what the rest think because in the end you've just got to be yourself or you'll never be happy. Time to just say what I feel because that's the way I feel.
People are not going to hate me for it. Even if they do it would be well worth it if I could stop hating myself. If you've ever once left a situation seething because you decided against saying what you really needed to say, then you have to understand that speaking your mind in the long run has to have a positive effect on overall self-esteem. And maybe that is it. Self-Esteem. If your not going to love yourself then how can you ever really be happy to be alive. Furthermore, how can you ever expect someone to really love you when you're not showing them who you truly are.
People like me, we get caught up in this thing pick-up artists call one-itis. Basically one-itis means we can't see past this one girl. Everything about the target at this point seems perfect. Really, no other woman will do. I am a sucker for it. I'm a sucker. I used to think that it was the PUA's who were missing the point when they would say things like forget about her, look around, there are literally millions of women out there for you. Now I see how right they are. When I think about it now I wonder how I could ever have tied all my emotions up in one person who probably won't give a shit about me anyway. There are always better looking girls out there, funnier ones too. More interesting girls and looser girls too. What did you say? None of them are her? Good, that's just what I'm looking for. Fuck it, I'm getting mine now.
Why is it that we all seem to worry so much about what other people think of us? Sure, we don't want our friends to think we're murder's or Jimmy Saville. Or worst of all, boring. But realistically most of us really are not that bad. In fact I would say most of us are damn good people. Think of the worst thing you have ever done and I'm guessing it wasn't really all that bad. Anyway, what I'm trying to get at via that serpentine introduction, is that we have to stop giving a fuck about what other people think about what we say or do. Look at yourself and be who you are, not just getting as close to that person as you think people are willing to accept. Saying what you want is the most liberating thing you'll ever do. I started doing it recently and it felt great. It doesn't mean that everything you say is going to be joyfully accepted by everyone but I guarentee you will feel alot better for doing it. Listen to John C. Parkin
"So I said fuck it to trying to be anything other than I am. In this moment I stopped judging myself. And shit, what a relief that was. What a relief that is"
And while we are trying to stop judging ourselves why don't we give evryone else a break and stop judging them. I think from now on the only people I want to pass judgement on are those who just love to judge others. I absolutely fucking hate narrow-mindedness. I mean really we have no reason to be bothered by what other people are doing if we can just be happy in what we are doing ourselves. What's wrong with live and let live. It doesn't mean I have to like everything on earth but it does mean accepting that someone else might enjoy something I don't and letting them have at it.
So go for it this week. If you fancy someone, let them know.( by the way girls this includes you. What guy doesn't want to hear that). If you want a tattoo or a piercing, now is the time. Take a sick day without remorse. Say no to someone. Finish work friday night and take a flight to Amsterdam for the weekend. Who's stopping you. Get a fake tan. Eat an entire packet of biscuits with one cup of tea and say fuck it to everyone's diet talk and bootcamps. Smoke without feeling guilty. Admit that you really don't care about any religion. Have some impure thoughts.
Do what you want...
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