I've never thought about killing myself the way I have this year. Never visualised it like this before. What it would really mean or how it would affect other people. Sometimes, like today, it becomes so real it scares me. The kind of scared that leaves a sick feeling in your stomach.
At times today the thoughts were more violent than I could ever say. Waterfalls of blood. Horror movie stuff. Then you move on to the more conventional bottle of vodka and 10 ambien. It must be frustrating to watch me when I am thinking like this. People can see me struggling with it but there is nothing they can do. I guess that is another reason to be thinking like this.
On the way home from work today I decided to take an old country road. I wanted to scare myself. Hurtling at 60mph down a narrow bumpy road in a car that could barely handle that speed on a motorway. Maybe kind of hoping that bad brakes and a lamp post might get the job done for me.
Some people believe it is the ultimate act of selfishness. I disagree. Yes there can be certain aspects of suicide that could be judged selfish. I mean things like doing it on christmas day when you have a young family, ruining christmas forever. But the act itself? No. It's my life. I'm the one who has to live with it and maybe I can't do it anymore. It's too hard for me. Be happy for me if I ever do it, it might be the one truely selfish thing you'll ever see me do.
I love my friends. Probably even more than my family(hurts to admit this). Especially the girls. I've always had a soft spot there. I think I'd spend all my time with the girls if I could. All my little princesses and I would do anything for them. They have no idea the lengths I would go to for them. For my two sisters and all the girls I call friends I think I could live like this forever if I thought it would really help you.
Don't worry lads I feel the same way about you lot too. It's just a different kind of love. Wouldn't swap any one of my mates. I would like to see more of them sometimes though.
This thing with me, it makes me a bad friend. Today, I can't even look at people I love. Can't open my mouth to say a few words. When friends can't even talk to you because they don't know what to say or because it's all been said a million times, the pain is tremendous. But that is all on me. I create the scene by being so sad. I'm not good for people. Not good with people. Lately I've been considering pulling away from my friends. It can't be good for them to have this in their lives.
I'm tired of writing this shit down by now. There's a million other things going round my head but I don't want to give them anymore oxygen today.
I have imagined my own funeral. Seeing who is there and what's being said. It's fucked up.