Monday, 9 September 2013

fatal addiction

I am definitely addicted to sadness in the way Gotye say in that song. Things have been going good for me the last few months by any measurement but how long can that ever last. There is no middle ground for me. It's euphoria or depression. Live or die. When you leave one of your best friends house, having not seen her for months, feeling like crying then you know it is going to be difficult not to slip. I had forgotten what it was like to really want to die. Today I'm starting to remember a little.

But like I say, I'm addicted to sadness. I go looking for things to make me feel that way. There is something in me that needs it constantly. If I'm not sad, I'm delusional. Which is better? Last night I went looking for it, knowing I would find it. Knowing that I wasn't likely to hear what i thought I wanted to hear. Should have left when things were going good. Shouldn't  ever be allowed to use my phone after midnight.

It's not always that i want what i can't have. Sometimes it's simply that i cant have what i really really want.

And now it looks like I've got to do something I don't ever want to do because it seems like the only option. I'm unbelievably upset about it but I guess that is what i went looking for.

I have been waiting in the van my whole life. Procrastinating, formulating, dissecting and projecting my emotions onto others who don't need it. Oscillating, prozac taking, smile faking and hospital waiting rooms that only seem to help for a little while. Down one road or another it always leads back to my lonely room and feeling like i'm not ever happy because I don't want myself to be. I've put so much conscious effort into being happy that now I'm just exhausted and need to be myself for a while.

Here I am, back to being my own interlocutor in almost all of my conversations. Some people might thing I am quiet and I am. The thing is though, I think I'm talking more than anyone, it's  just that I'm only talking to myself.

I bring about sadness in people around me. There is something in me that teases out the real heartaches in my friends lives. I don't know why but it feels like that stuff just orbits around me. The rest are having fun talking and laughing and having the craic but when it's me with someone I find a way of directing the traffic to the bad things that don't get talked about so often.

My name is Ciaran and I am an addict...