Friday, 4 October 2013

Commitment issues?

Okay, it's friday night and I've work in the morning so try to keep up because I would like to make this post a quick one. Otherwise I don't sleep enough, i get cranky and I'll be a complete cunt to everyone tomorrow.

This whole thing started with me vowing to try quitting drinking. I haven't done. I'm not even pretending to try anymore. Not yet at least. But now that I'm here and I have your attention I suppose I can leave the structure of the blog behind and just stick down what is on my mind.

I'm looking at myself and seeing a guy who doesn't want to commit himself to anything. Or more specifically anyone. It's really dawned on me recently because of some of the comical circumstances of my life recently, and I'm going to get to those, but it's been there all along. Fuck it, I can't even commit to myself with any conviction, I'm not committing to another.

This shit I'm going to tell you is all true. It's all nonsense, I admit but nevertheless it is true. I'm trying to describe why I feel like I have serious issues with committment. I supposes I'll start with the most recent and take it from there, however it come. Some of this is highly embarrassing stuff so I'm going to whistle through this like machine-gun fire and let the reader be the judge.

As recently as today I have been texting a lovely girl I kissed recently. But here comes the nonsense. I met this girl briefly while on holidays in Rome. She lives in Rome? maybe not the best girl to be texting. That's not even it. I met her in Rome, she lives in Vienna and is from Mumbai in India. I'd still rather text her than any of the girls in Newry.

That is only exhibit A

Then there was another holiday romance. This time a 37 year old Roman lady with breasts like Lola Ferrari(remember her? if not, use google). She were right good fun but didn't quite speak my language. Literally, she only had about twenty words of English. Using google translate on a mates phone to pick-up was a challenge but who doesn't enjoy a challenge like this. In the end the only thing I understand was, "you want the sex?" Yes, Yes I do. Alas it did not happen. Her friend cockblocked me. Wouldn't let us have sex in the back of her car!!! Bitch!!!

Over the years there has been many a daft crush. I was certain I was in love with a beautiful blonde haired Polish princess. This one could have been the one. Shame she was moving to London not long after we met and from there travelling the world. I think she lives in Stockholm now. Of course she does.

There was the one I was friends with but only decided to fall for when she was pregnant. Obviously at the time this was a no go in reality. Obviously at the time this is what really attracted me.

What about the girl i thought I quite liked in Ollies but then got into my head that she was sweet sixteen. Yes that would be joyous when she takes me home to meet her parents and I realise that I went to school with her father. Maybe that was the one that could have worked out.

Boyfriends seem to be a very attractive quality in a girl. An almost endless stream of average and stunning looking girls alike I've convinced myself were my only desire. All of them with boyfriends. It's funny though because it never took much to cure me of this sickness. They break up, she's single and I don't want her now. Second hand? Fuck no!

I've had a good go at trying to make things really awkward between myself and one of my best friends. She'll cringe at this but the blog was your idea, eh? This is a girl who would have said I was her brother. Nothing will ever happen between us. I knew this, so the pattern dictates I had to declare my love. Starting to think I enjoy this type of drama. Or I'm addicted to it.

Oh yes, how could I forget about my eastern european lap dancer. Clara, oh Clara. Bet that's not even her real name. Met her at work and thought, 'yeah this girl just can't get enough of me', I took her number and met her the next night, again at work and I mean her work if you didn't guess. This could be the future bride i'm sure. All she wanted was £80 for sex in a squalid Edinburgh apartment. Marriage material. Anyway it never worked out even when I text for a bit. It was the whole long distance thing again. Apart from that she was perfect.

I met a girl a little while back. We got on pretty well immediately and are on the same wavelenght on so many things. I wondered to myself what it was that made me approach her. But obviously by now I've developed a sixth sense for this sort of thing. A week or two later she tells me She might have to move back to Brazil very soon. That's when it all clicked into place.

In the summer I kissed a girl who lives on this island. WOW! The point is this girls fit, smart, good craic and fun too. For some reason these things don't seem to tick my boxes. I would much prefer to be texting random strangers from half the world away.

Ah fuck it, I'm bored now with this shit. Leave it by saying there are plenty more were that came from. I think I need a team of trained physchologists to analyize every single thought I have. Maybe they could find out what's wrong with me. Or everyone else It wouldn't matter, I'd still .be bull-shitting them.

Don't get me wrong though. It's all alot of fun and silly games. Keeps things interesting. I can't settle. No, I won't settle. Not yet anyways