Saturday, 28 September 2013

Where am I?

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa!!! Back up a second, let me catch my breath. Where am I? For a moment there I thought I'd gone right back to May 2013. Back to smoking on balconies, thinking about testing my body's aerodynamics, back to being on the cusp of Carlingford Lough's treacherous whitecaps. That was when I thought a neo-classical bust had more chance of striking up a conversation with a member of the opposite sex than I ever would. May 2013, when I was being told if I carry on like I have been that I'm pretty much on the way out already. It was looking fairly likely that I might not make it past the infamous year of 27 like Hendrix, Kurt Cobain and Amy Winehouse. I had finished exams but I could care less about engineering. I figured I'd fallen head over heals in love with my best friend and that there lay the beginning and end of all my happiness. Of course, in May 2013 this meant the end. I was stupid, I was sick, I was damn fucking depressed! I was finished...

" I know you want it"
I can hear something. The memory is hazy now. I've heard it before but it's only just started to click. HEY, HEY, HEY! HEY, HEY HEY! My body is starting to rock a little now. Back and forth. Slowly at first but faster and more loose with each passing bar of pop gold. Where have I been all this time? Locked inside my own personal prison. The crowd of people, that before I heard it, made me feel like the loneliest man in the milky way, were now all my disciples. I was the son of God and that night God was Robin Thicke. Now that I've woken up everything is good. Life is there for the taking and I am going to grasp more than my fair share. I can't dance but I can own it when I'm doing it so hilariously bad. I'm shy but now I'm talking to them all. I'm not that good looking but I'm Ciaran Cooney so go ahead...beat that! All of a sudden I didn't feel sick anymore. I was released. Hold onto this feeling and I'm golden. Summer started at last. Did RT just save my life?

And so it went on like this for a couple of months. Singing and dancing. Drinking and smoking. Sleazing and slutting my way across the British Isles and continental Europe. I don't have to think about stupid electricity or the future. Freedom is exuding from me for the first time in years and I can start to live a little more than i did before. I have gone all Chris Tucker in Rush Hour 2. I want you, you, you and you. I want it all. I just want to have some fun.

The thing is though, even in the height of that summer fun I knew it was all a dream. A waterfall of delirious fantasy that was blocking the reality from making it's print on my retina. The reality being that almost all the fun was alcohol induced. All the confidence and sharpness. The reality is that it will always come to a crashing, crushing halt when I stretch the elastic just a little too far.

And that is kind of where I am today. Last night I could feel the clenched fist squeezing me and today it began to asphyxiate me. Once again I am the idiot. I am the child unable to care for himself. I spent eight days drinking in Italy tracking women and chasing adventures. Neglecting all the things I know I have to do to keep me relatively placid. Make no mistake, I enjoyed every minute of it and the some of the memories are tattooed on my hard drive but I swear it has the potential to drive a wrecking ball through the rest of my year because right now I feel like throwing it all into the nearest skip I can find.

Perhaps I won't let it this time. Maybe I'll accept it as it comes for a few days without succombing to it's devastating intentions. I've been here enough times to recognise that I will find my way out of the darkness sooner or later so There isn't much of a point to wallow in really. I can't see it today but I know there are good things for me to grab hold of and that I'll do them all. I guess that is the difference in me now. Back in the old days when I felt like I do today I never ever believed that it was going to get any better. Back then the conviction that I would die young was a relief rather than a fear. But yeah, that's right...where am I? I know now. It ain't May no more baby, you're almost striking October now. You've had your fun. Now is the time to start turning the gears towards the next part.

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