Tuesday, 22 October 2013

23/10/2013

Bring me Miley's wrecking ball. I would like something to smash through my scull right now and it seems like the implement of choice at the moment.

So, shall I go ahead and pour out the melodrama? Once again I feel like letting the whole production crash down around me. Drink myself into oblivion, fuck the college shit into the bin, push my stupid head through a cattle grill and sink into self indulgent madness.

Man, I have issues. Big, ugly, inflammatory, elephant sized issues. If I step back for a second I can see them there in all there suffocating glory, squeezing the oxygen from my lust for life. I suppose they make me what I am. A needy, neurotic loser. A shit scared bottler that takes one risk a decade and lies awake at night questioning why he hasn't made it yet. A stuck in the friend zone motherfucker with an habitual fondness for choosing the wrong one.

If I'm correct, self pity is a very attractive trait. But of course I am wrong (Perhaps that's why the Jews have never been considered a particularly attractive race). Luckily I don't want to play that card today. I could and in the past I most certainly would have. Maybe I would have crawled into bed for a month and refused to talk to anyone, grow a beard and loose a stone. I've snapped out of it before I settled into it.

If I could focus for any longer than the length of a 10 minute porn video I think I could probably have worked myself into someone quite smart or successful by now. Instead I move from one interest to the next before the had work begins because I don't want to run the risks that success may bring. Feeling unloved and overlooked, I've been looking for ways to confirm that theory. Unsurprisingly, it ain't in no way hard to find them! At least when everything crashes I can say I got what I really, really was looking for...A chance to build a tree house of self loathing and climb inside.

Anyway, the here and now. I'm a fuck up. I'm so fucking angry and depressed with no effective outlet that my brain is hurting inside my head. I'm rejected, again. I'm feeling old, getting older. Running out of time already! All that shit isn't good, but it really isn't so horribly bad either. I mean, I have managed to get this far without disintegrating completely. It's like this, I just can't be bothered with the wasted time anymore. Yes, today I feel shit but I don't want to feel sorry for myself feeling shit.

Fuck sake! What are we doing with these emotions? It would be nice not to get the bad ones but then I guess we wouldn't ever get the good ones.

P.s. Actually not bothered by what I've done this time to put me here. It wasn't a mistake.