Wednesday, 22 May 2013

remember what it was like before

The Interesting thing about depression for me is the inability to empathise with anything other than your current state of mind. It works both ways. When I am in the depths of a severe depression I can only feel like that's all there ever was. My whole life has been pain and suffering interrupted by brief moments of calm that were really just a delusion. Rationally I can see that there were happier times when I was enjoying being alive but I can't feel it. At this point it is impossible for me to take joy from happy memories. Quite the opposite in fact.
        As I have said this inability to empathise has the same effect on me during the good days. This is when I'm convinced I have never had depression at all. I'm certain I've been faking it for the attention and it won't happen again. Of course the problem with this, and it took me longer than it should have to realise, is that it leads to that flush the prozac attitude of, 'I'm cured, not that there was anything wrong with me.'

The rest is a Backdated text message to remind me of where I was,

"Happily die right now. People think its a horrible selfish thing to say. Its easy to judge without knowing. The way I feel right now I should never have been here. Too much of me hates being alive even though theres some of me that absolutely loves it. And im crying my eyes out not because im thinking negatively about something specific but just because the depression squeezes me until I can't breathe. Theres a killing paradox in me. The more I want something the more im drawn into wrecking it. The weaker it makes me. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to think id be better off dead. Sometimes I think im terminally ill with depression. You tell me people care about me and I know its true. I understand it rationally but I dont feel it. Im missing something. I don't want to have to die."