Friday, 24 May 2013

A faller at the first


I knew all along I was lying to myself. I thought maybe if I told enough people with a religious conviction that I was going to do it that somehow that might guilt me into sticking to my promise. I'm sure some of them were even convinced this time. I was so convincing. But I knew. I knew I could never resist getting wasted on my final day of exams. I start telling myself it isn't fair that everyone else can have fun when I have to look after myself. I'm weak. I buy beer. I drink it...I wake up

 Now I'm standing on the fourth floor balcony of a Belfast apartment block staring down at the road below. I've come out to smoke a cigarette because yesterday I started smoking when a funny story I was telling my friends about contemplating suicide came back to hurt me because everyone was laughing so hard I felt like crying. But that is just a pointless digression. As I stood there leaning against the railings, the thoughts of jumping start to trickle through me. I'm not suicidal at this point but thinking about that thing, almost imagining it is a scary moment. I'm there running the scenario. Feeling the sensations of my body accelerating towards the pavement as the force of gravity thrusts me at the earths core.
        Then something strikes me. I consider the reason why I don't go ahead and do it. And it is not what I thought it would be. What stops me or at least what I seem to fear most is the prospect of the excruciating pain I would feel in that micro-second between hitting the ground and oblivion. That is the frightening thing. That I'm not stopping myself because I really want to live. Not because of all the things I would miss, all the people I would hurt, all the possibilities the future holds or even watching my beloved nephews and neice grow up. Almost like the only reason I have for not wanting to die is the pain of death.
        Horrible things to be thinking, but there it is. was. A fleeting train of thought on a mildly hungover Friday afternoon in the city. Not the first, not the last. Probably not even the worst. But I couldn't keep my promise so I guess I get what I deserve