Monday, 16 March 2015

Fear and Loathing in Lislea

I'm so fucking bored! I think I have become an emotionless android, going through the predetermined steps of a program code. Recently my life has been existing primarily on my laptop, making my social life a digital one. Actually, this can be a good thing for a little while when you really need to get some work done. It's just that one day you wake up to the fact that it's all just so utterly tedious. Fear clasps hold of your hand for a second and you realise that time spent in boredom is time wasted.

"Himmelhoch jauchzend, zu Tode betrübt" 

It's a famous quote from Goethe, by way of Anne Frank in my case. It translates basically as "On top of the world, or in the depths of despair." The significance of the quote, for me, is derived from its bang-on description of how I used to live, back in the old days. Back in the old days when my emotions oscillated between self-destruction and euphoria on a daily-basis. When I didn't ever want to get out of bed, except on days when I was fuelled-up with hyper-activity. When I was a twisted wretch, pining over any woman I'd meet.

I am so fucking bored! Bored with an exhaustingly monotonous college course and a job which revolves around the toleration of stupidity. Sometimes I feel like the job is crushing any spark of intelligence I may have once had and that the college thing is simply a means to an end, i.e it gets me paid. On the flip-side I get money every month to sustain my inactive lifestyle and I know I will have a first in electronic engineering if I put in just a little work for the next two months. These are good things but it just doesn't seem like enough to make the road worth the walk.

Life before venlafaxine was a little more noteworthy, a little more exciting. At least that is the sense I retain in my memory. In spite of the time spent in the aforementioned depths of despair, I had some fun times during my depressed youth. But now it feels as if in settling into the role of a relatively focused student I've lost a bit of something. Like now I am just the watered-down version of myself. Maybe I have become even more introverted and androgynous than before. Maybe I'm dead inside like a big rotten old oak tree. Maybe I exaggerate a touch.

Perhaps I am doing myself an injustice. There is after all a lot to be said for the quiet life. I am more tangibly productive than I have ever been and I've gone from absolutely despising electronics to making plans for doing an add-on year after I finish. I am fairly stable at present, a positive in light of previous catastrophic meltdowns. I've even managed to save money while going to college! This I could classify as a miracle. Still, it's all so very dull.

I shouldn't complain too much though, life is pretty good on the whole. Perhaps as good as it has ever been by some measurements. And even though I think I am suffering from an atrophied sense of humour there are some people who can make me laugh more than ever. There are enough good things to do too, if I can find the time away from the boring shit that I just have to get done.

As the pleasures of this life are transitory we should all attempt to enjoy them while we can. With this in mind I shall make a list/mission statement:

There are so many good books to read and so many beautiful women to fuck. There are so many great roads for me to cycle, so many songs to hear. I have so many places to see and awesome people to talk with. There are so many languages I could learn and so many bad ideas I can criticise.

It is a shame that I should ever say I am bored.

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